Full Circles in Te Ara a Kiwa
Full Circles in Te Ara a Kiwa
The first time I thought about Te Ara a Kiwa was 6 years ago, swimming with Eliza at Fryberg pool. We were talking eagerly about swims and I told her how I would love to swim across the North Channel one day. She told me about a swim in Aotearoa that reminded her of it - the waters of Te Ara a Kiwa, a cold place filled with life and great white sharks. It lit a spark for me. While swimming across Raukawa Moana (Cook Strait) was my childhood dream, swimming across Te Ara a Kiwa became my early-adulthood dream and would remain so for the next six years.
A few years later I was down in Ōtautahi, in my first year of Uni. I was trying to fall asleep and the only thing I could think about was Te Ara a Kiwa. I spent a restless night not sleeping very much, feeling excited and nervous because I had realised this was something I truly wanted to do. I had always been terrified of sharks… I had no idea the journey this swim would take me on.
The following year I created a campaign page for my swim, got a side job working at a swimming pool in Ōtautahi and started training. However I had some serious mental health challenges and the timing wasn’t right. So I put the swim on hold.
A few years later, after lots of healing, processing, training and some money saving, I was ready to swim across Te Ara a Kiwa. Summer of 2023/2024 I was the fittest and fastest I've ever been. Alas, the weather never aligned until late in the season, by which point the temperature had plummeted. And so the swim was postponed.
This season, my plan was to swim in December, with my dream job starting in February. But in September I got Covid. Long Covid crept in and lingered, and all my plans became shaky and uncertain. For months I was breathless walking up just a few stairs, I had tightness in my chest even lying down, and every time I swam things got worse. Te Ara a Kiwa had been my dream for so long, but I could feel it flickering. Cupping my hands around its flame, I took every avenue I could to recover. I went to see a naturopath, did hyperbaric oxygen chambers, took supplements, meditated, visualised, slept, and cut back on my hours at work. I am so grateful for the people who supported me during this process, especially Nonstop Solutions, who have been nothing but supportive.
Gradually, I started to get better. Some milestones were singing in the car without getting out of breath, being able to eat while walking, and having enough oxygen to comfortably breathe through my nose while sleeping. Still, things were going to be close. I didn't have much time left to train and I was going to need to work very hard. I’m grateful for Sarah, Aileen, Nicola and Deb during this period as we put in some good kilometres together over the Christmas/New Years period. My body started to get stronger again. During this transitional stage I got the news that I could start my new job in August. This worked well for the person swapping start dates with me and while I was disappointed to not be getting stuck in to the job asap I was also relieved to have a bit more wiggle room and breathing space. By this point the inactivity from long Covid had given me a decent amount of extra weight, which I saw as a silver lining for my swim. I hadn't been able to do too much ocean swimming but the extra fat on my body might help me stay warmer in the cold waters.
In the arms of Te Ara a Kiwa
I was driving back from the pool after getting the news we were on for the swim in a few days. I felt a bit anxious because I had been trying to hold a 1.30/100 pace and it slipped off after 2km. Was I really ready? I've got to be. I pulled over at Evans Bay to watch a huge pod of dolphins. A good omen. Cars, cyclists, and pedestrians had come down just to see flashes of black in the choppy waters. Leaning against the seawall there was a mother with her young daughter, a couple with their arms around each other, an old man with his grandson. There is something special about watching other humans look at something with love and wonder. It gives me hope - as long as people keep caring about these things, there will be people to fight for them. I long for a world where fighting for environmental protection and human wellbeing isn’t so necessary.
That day bags were packed, last minute flights were booked, and everything was ready. Flying over Ōtautahi was oddly comforting - seeing the plains stretched out, the luminous light blue ocean curving around the ancient remains of the Lyttelton volcano. I was surprised by these feelings. Although I did have some incredible times in Ōtautahi, most of that period of my life was really painful… Just a reminder that things are always changing in ways you could never expect.
Daniel picked me up at the airport and we picked up some seasickness pills, stocked up at the supermarket, and waited at his family home until Jess got to the airport. It was surreal to be sitting out in the garden, eating fresh beans and just catching up in the sun. We picked up a bubbly Jess, who had spent two days travelling to get here from Auckland, and drove down to the airbnb. The quaint and cottage-like house was called the “Nautical Nest”. It was just across the road from the moana and had many paintings of the wild sea crashing on rocks. Jess and Daniel were absolute legends, doing a bunch of cooking, food prep, dishes and helping with packing. It didn’t take much convincing for them to wear matching Project Hiu Shark T-Shirts!
Once Phil, Nick and my Mum were all there, Phil told us how the day would go and what the plan was.
Two hours later, I was gobsmacked when Phil said we'd travelled 9km. The current was boosting us along and I felt strong in the water. The water below me was startlingly clear. I would often see small flashes of silver, jellyfish hovering in space, and also dark-brown triangle-shaped things deep below me. For a few hours I felt uncomfortable about these shapes gliding below. I couldn’t identify what they were through my leaking goggles and the clarity of the water made judging distance and size difficult. From the comfort of my couch I would say they were probably just little fish! But in the water, exposed and vulnerable, my imagination was putting me on edge. I started swimming very close to the IRB, just in case. Around this time Phil and Nick pointed to something behind me and I stopped, startled. It’s just a bird, Bre! Phil said. Calm your mind.
The bird was a Toroa, a mighty albatross, and it would follow behind me for hours. Later we would be joined by another one which would sit in front of me, wait for me to catch up, and then fly a bit further ahead and repeat the whole cycle.
Their arm spans were long and sweeping, with cartoon-like faces. I was in awe of how graceful, elegant and strong they were. As I took breaths between arm circles I would see them soaring in the blue sky. Maybe they’re looking after me, I thought. Of course in reality they were probably looking for a free feed by following the fishing support boat, but at the time it helped me push away any thoughts of sharks and shut down those fears.
As we got more kms behind us, I found myself getting into a rhythm. There were difficult patches but mostly I felt good. Before the swim I’d written pages of things I wanted to focus on in the water. People who helped me get here, people I was inspired by, reasons why I could do it, ways I could connect to the water, motivational songs and mantras etc. I thought of Mike, my Te Ara a Kiwa buddy and training friend from last season, tapping on my feet and swimming alongside me. I thought of Vicky on the boat during my Raukawa Moana swim. I thought of Liana and her razor sharp focus and strength. Of Eliza and how much she inspired me. Of Chloe and her wisdom, our training swims and inspirational chats in Ōtautahi. I thought of my family cheering me on from afar, my dad following me on the tracker. I thought about the 2021-2022 version of me who was so lost, and how lucky I was to be doing this swim in what felt like a full circle moment - with so many people to thank for helping me through that time (a major one of those people actually being Daniel, who was literally on the boat a few metres away!). I thought of the whakataukī that Maia shared with me the morning of the swim.
Mau ano e to mai te ika ki a koe
The beautiful South Island in the distance, getting further away with each stroke
And through-out all of this I had “Crush” by Ethel Cain playing in my head, which is hilarious to me. Completely unrelated to anything I was doing or feeling at the time, but hey the brain does random things sometimes. I owe you a black eye and two kisses are lyrics that will be forever cemented in my brain as part of that day.
As the swim went on and my body started to ache a bit more, Phil bought out the painkillers. On breaks I floated on my back, feeling so free. Daniel got in trouble for buying lollies with 25% less sugar, as well as gummy bears (very difficult to chew while swimming). I couldn’t hold back a big laugh watching his nervous reaction to Phil shaking the packet of lollies in the air, yelling “Really?!”. We kept ticking along. Red lions’ mane jellyfish appeared in droves, mostly deep below me.
Phil was incredible as usual, constantly cheering me on from the IRB and always seeming to know exactly what I was thinking. I felt very safe knowing that I had such an incredible crew. A few times Phil would whistle out to me to make sure I didn’t swim into seaweed and get startled, but by this point I had well and truly shut-off any nervousness about sharks - I was tired and every bit of my thoughts and energy I was channeling into just swimming.
As we got closer to Rakiura I felt the tide shift, slowly at first, and then faster until I could see the pollen, leaves and floating things moving quickly past me underwater. We were still 9km away and I realised this was going to be a hard push to the end. Cold patches of water provided welcome and immediate relief and allowed me to swim a bit faster. I’m not sure what my pace actually was, but I definitely felt slow.
Phil stopped me for a last quick feed, a gel and some water. It was from a water bottle that my sister had decorated with shark stickers for me last year, and I thought of her for a brief second before plunging back into my stroke.
The last few hours were some of the hardest swimming I’ve ever done. I was under-trained for sure, with long covid derailing my training plans. I always feel a bit uncomfortable when people talk about “conquering” a swim - as if any human could ever “conquer” a piece of water (or any environment for that matter!). I’ve never felt like it’s me vs the water, only me vs myself - my brain continuously overriding my body when it calls out “that’s enough, I’m done”. And I’ve never felt that so much as I did for those last few hours fighting against the current. Repeating in my head “Just. Keep. Going.” over and over again. I made the mistake of looking up a few times, and each time it seemed like we either hadn’t moved or were even further away. Deep down, voices told me that I couldn’t keep up this pace and I wasn’t going to be able to make it across. I resolved to just keep pushing regardless, and then had the realisation that there was still plenty of headland left - even if the current swept me away from the nearest spot, I was sure I could keep swimming for several more hours. I wasn’t cold, just tired and hungry and slow. I could keep going! The water got a bit choppy and I found myself accidentally swallowing a decent amount of sea water, too tired to concentrate on the timing of my breathing.
After the longest 1.6km of my life, (except maybe ice swimming) I saw some seaweed on the rocks below me. A few seconds later, I touched the most perfect rock I’ve ever seen. There was a little ledge built into it, and I leant onto the rock, basically hugging it.
The water was calm and beautiful. After swimming back to the IRB, Phil got me to hang off the ropes on the side and rest. I don’t think I can pull myself up, I said apologetically, and Nick and Phil hauled me into the IRB.
Back on the boat, Mum and Jess got to work getting me changed and warm. With the current getting stronger and stronger, Phil had strategically held back on any fuel to keep us moving. Now all I wanted was fuel - anything. I reached for the nearest thing which was energy gel/lollies and ate the rest of the packet. A bunch of donuts appeared in front of my face. Daniel made me a sandwich which would become detrimental to efforts getting me changed as I refused to let go of it. And mum gave me her coffee! I had cut out all caffeine whilst trying to recover from Covid, this was my first coffee in five months. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to enjoy it too much, my throat had swelled up from the salt water.
Planning out an evening of Catan and fish and chips!
Eventually we moved to the cabin of the boat. Mum kept checking to make sure I was warm enough and I felt a huge surge of gratitude and love for her and everything she’s done for me. I leant into her and we fell asleep on each other's shoulders. Mum had taken her self-appointed role of shark spotter very seriously and so was also exhausted! I woke up to see Daniel and Jess also snoozing on the boat. All of us were tired - it was a big day for everyone. Sometimes I think as a swimmer you have the easiest job; just do what you’re told and keep swimming! The true legends are the people who keep you safe and help get you across. It's a selfless job and I’m very grateful to these people for helping me to achieve my dream.
Back at the wharf Daniel's amazing mum Maree met us and gave me the biggest warmest hug. She then took us back to the Nautical Nest and got us fish and chips. Daniel taught Jess and I an extension version of Catan, which we managed a half-hearted effort at before deciding we were all too tired.
I didn't sleep that much that night. After big swims its common to not sleep well, but I don’t mind because I usually feel euphoric and in awe of the events of the day. But the combination of sunburn, a sore right arm and wrist, nausea and a sore throat muted any euphoric feelings. Confused about what was going on, I inspected my throat in the mirror to see that my uvula had swollen up so much it was sitting on my tongue. The corrosive powers of salt water revealed themselves again a few days later when I woke up to find the skin peeling off my tongue like a lizard!
Laying awake I also wondered if I was a bit sad because it was a lot to process - this swim had been part of such a big journey for me, and it didn’t feel real that it was actually done. There's been so many setbacks and challenges along the way, and so many people that have supported me in different ways over this journey. So much has happened and I am quite a different person from who I was when I first thought about this swim 6 years ago.
Back in Wellington, Joy, Faith, Tessa, Madi, Evie and Morgane and I went out to San Fran to dance at the Sad Girl Indie Night. I Know the End by Phoebe Bridges came on and we screamed along to the end of the song. Every time I hear that song I think about the state of the world and all the things we stand to lose. But I also feel hopeful. Over the summer I’ve been lucky enough to be part of some communities taking incredible action for our environment.
Night guiding at Zealandia, I have shared a quiet tear in the dark with my tour group, watching two Ruru nuzzle their beaks into each other. Guiding people through the valley and seeing the results of conservation in real-time - kiwi rustling along unbothered by us, looking at glow worms up close, a little Pepeketua (native NZ frog) tucked into the corner of a tree, Giant Wētā sitting like armored statues, Pāteke waddling along happily in the dark through forest streams, everyone frozen on the path while a Tuatara walks over someone’s foot in the moonlight… And through-out all of this, seeing the wonder, awe and love on peoples faces. People protect what they care about.
And then from a different angle, working for Nonstop Solutions where the positive environmental impact from the mahi we do isn’t immediately as obvious but is equally as important and urgent. Being filled with pride and hope watching the NS team pull off the biggest outdoor reuse servicewear event in Aotearoa at the Island Bay Festival. Sorting through waste under the Otaki fireworks until 3am with Jas. Seeing the results reflected in how much waste is diverted from landfill everytime Nonstop is on an event. But deeper than that, the passion and empathy within a place like Nonstop. The way that employees are treated and the values that are upheld lead the way for a future where the planet and people aren’t prioritised over profit. I couldn’t speak more highly of Nonstop Solutions and the people in that space.
There’s so much collective grief and anger at the bullshit systems we’re trapped in - with billionaires, lobbyists, ecological collapse, human rights violations and genocides… I can’t help but swing between being furious and heart-broken about everything and wanting to bury my head in the sand and shut it all out. But action is the antidote to despair, and so I come to the most important part of this long winded blog post:
Yes, sharks are endangered. And so are our Tarāpuka (Black-Billed Gulls) - who are the most threatened gull species in the world! And so are our Banded Kōkopu (Whitebait). And our kororā (Little Blue Penguin). And our Tuna. Currently, 7,500 animal and plant species are considered nationally endangered in Aotearoa.
Sharks are not isolated creatures in the ecosystem. Our ecosystems are complexly intertwined and every action we take to look after sharks helps to look after the rest of our ocean. We need to drastically change how we see the world and interact with it. We are not protecting nature, we are nature protecting itself. So I invite you to join me in having hope against all odds and fighting like hell for a better future, for ourselves and everyone and everything that we love.
Examples of some actions you can take for Sharks:
Challenge the dominating narrative of sharks being a “threat to humans” - they are so much more than that. There are over 500 species of sharks and each one has its own story. The whale shark, with skin like the night sky. The Greenland shark, who is born blind, can live to be 500 years old, and survives in waters so cold its flesh has its own antifreeze. The epaulet shark which can walk on land! Each of these 500 species plays a crucial role in the ocean ecosystem. We should be much more afraid of an ocean without sharks than one with them. Spread the word to friends and family next time you're talking about sharks.
Campaign against shark nets! They do not make beaches safer, they only endanger marine life.
Squalene is derived from shark liver oil. Look out for squalene products and avoid them! Unless it says plant-derived.
Make sure you know what is in your pet food and local fish and chip shop fish (this is often shark)
Call on the government to increase our marine reserves, ban bottom trawling, and have stricter regulations on overfishing.
Eat sustainably sourced fish (be aware of green-washing e.g. “Dolphin Friendly labels - see: Dolphin-friendly tuna: we’re worrying about the wrong species (theconversation.com)”).
Examples of some actions you can take for the Moana (and our wider planet):
Connect to your local environment. Tuning into what is normal for your local beach, river, forest, trees etc helps you know when something is wrong in that place so that you can do something to help. Share the magic of your environment with others around you. If you are in Wellington, there is an incredible Seaweed Festival coming up which I highly recommend getting stuck into!
Eat, shop and buy local.
Boycott companies who commit crimes against humanity and the environment.
Take steps to minimise your climate footprint such as walking, busing and biking places, limit flights.
Reduce waste by refusing single-use plastics, reusing as much as possible, refilling from refillaries, and not buying things you don’t need.
Take action by going to protests, writing letters, signing petitions, and putting pressure on governments and companies to prioritise equity, and look after our beautiful planet
Limit your meat consumption
Invest sustainably and ethically. Look into your kiwiSaver, banks and personal investments. 350 Aotearoa has helpful resources on this.
Plant trees, garden, grow veggies
VOTE for parties and people who put our planet and people first
If in Aotearoa, oppose the Fast Track Bill and protect Te Tiriti O Waitangi by opposing the proposed Te Tiriti O Waitangi Bill.
Honor, respect and prioritise indigenous voices and values.
Look after your well-being - you are part of the planet too 💚
Thank you for reading this and for being part of this journey. The Give-a-Little Page for Mountains to Sea Wellington is still open for donations if you would like to help them on their mission connecting people to the awa and moana and protecting these places.
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